Currently Playing Strong Bad Sings And Other Type Hits By Strong Bad, Homestar Runner see related

so ive been debating. do i need to totally leave everything that has anything to do with the old me behind? should i leave here? probably. but this place is my release. where i go to talk and sort things out. as stupid as that may sound its true. its also the only way i can keep in touch with some people anymore. amber, jake, katie, ryan. so i made a new site. one dedicated to the new me, the real me. i want to start this new too. want to start with no history and nothing to look back on. only what i have to look forward to...a better life. i will check this one every now and then just in case theres something here but for the most part i will be at the new one. love you guys.

http://www.xanga.com/soblackmyeyes

Currently Playing No Need to Argue By The Cranberries zombie see related

BlinkKid8534: i love u mucho amanda

that kid makes me smile.

things are hard for every single person i care about. all of my closest friends, my real friends, are having major problems in their lives. its so hard to see all their pain and not be able to take any of it. honestly if i could take every tear and every heartache and every physical problem and make it my own i would. i would do anything for these people. i have such a longing to help but still i cant do anything. justin, tim, laura, derek, annie, jessica, boo, cam, jason, randy, sean....guys if theres anything at all i can do let me know. please. i want to take all your pain. im sorry you guys are all going through this stuff. i love you all.  

so its been a week guys. a week since the big night, the one that changed everything in my life. the night i saw how truly fucked up i was and made the hardest decision of my life. i have to own it all. ask forgiveness. then i have to change. forever. it may not seem like a big deal to you guys, but it is if you really look at it. imagine something changing every aspect of your life in five minutes. pretty hard to swallow. im proud of myself though. hmmm i dont think ive ever been able to say that before. im proud of myself. i have managed to make it a week as the new amanda. the honest, simple, real, genuine amanda. its been the longest week of my life. its a constant fight with myself to keep this. to not fall back into the past. i can do it. i will make it. i have no choice.

with eyes wide open and a steady heart i face the future.

well im willing to break myself
                                          to shake this hell from all i touch
                                    im willing to bleed for days my reds and grays
                so you dont hurt so much
                                           and youre in pieces
as your world becomes a rainstorm
                                                                                 youve got no shelter
             im a thousand miles away
im willing to break myself
                                                              im not afraid
                                         to bleed for days my reds and grays
to shake this hell from everything i touch
                                                                             so you dont hurt so much

Currently Playing Take off Your Pants and Jacket By blink-182 the rock show see related

tonight is the start of something more...something better.

tonight i celebrate the new amanda.

i dont know what the future holds but...

i can hardly wait...

<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 JDS <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Currently Playing Nimrod By Green Day good riddance (time of your life) see related

[edit] this is on my heart so i thought id say it since it will never get said anywhere else. i love my brother. jason. hes so cool. he is literally the most awesome person i know. im crying just thinking about the kid. we used to be so close, we were inseperable. he was my best friend. but as all people do we grew up. he became a good person, and i...didnt. i screwed up and he knew it. he knows everything. he is the one person on this earth that knows literally everything about me. that is why he hates me. i just recently figured that out and now its too late to do anything about it. that is a big part of the reason i have been so down this week. he knows everything, he knows what a good person i used to be and he knows every detail about everything i have fucked up in my life in the past several years. i wish i would have seen it coming. i wish i could go back and do everything differently. man i love him so much. he is my hero. we used to have the best times in the world together. we used to be best friends, and now he hates me. he has every reason to. he knows the depths of the filth i have created. we share the same friends...but now he cant stand to be around me and that makes things so hard. i miss the days when we could hang out together without him being an asshole to me all the time. he has every right to be an asshole though. every right. it kills me everytime he calls me a whore/bitch/slut/freak whatever. man i just miss him....so much. i know he will never see this cause he never comes here but i just wanted to get it off my chest. i would give anything to be his friend again. i have let him down in the worst way and there is nothing i can do to make up for it. nothing. i have tried. but its over. i will never get his love or friendship back. that kills me. i love you jason. [edit]

wow. im a lucky person. even though i have lost a few close friends this week its amazing how many people care enough to be there. cam and jess and boo and jus. you all called me to tell me that you love me. so many other people told me so other ways. those people, my REAL friends...you are all the reason that i live. i love you guys too and i plan to tell each and every one of you today. you all see who i can be in spite of the shitty person i am now. well, the shitty person i was.

things are going to change. things are going to get better. i hit rock bottom wednesday night and there is no where to go but up. that gives me hope. maybe this is what had to happen for me to realize what a fucked up person i really was. i dont know. all i know is that i cant be that person anymore. i will never be her again.

this is me saying good riddance to the past. all of it. im not holding onto any of it anymore. from now on all i see is what lies ahead. i dont know for sure what it is, but its something better.

Currently Playing Vol 3: (The Subliminal Verses) By Slipknot duality see related

everything i wrote earlier means nothing now so i deleted it to write this. i am in shock. numb. i accidentally came across something today that made me sick. i now have to cut at least four people out of my life. the four people that have been closest to me for years. it hurts to have to do this. what hurts more is why i have to do this. it kills me that i wasnt even looking for this info. fate just decided to be sick and twisted and let me stumble upon it at the worst possible moment.

you guys shouldnt have said one thing to my face and another behind my back. i still dont believe what i saw. i guess something that shocking takes a while to sink in. i know this is my fault. if i thought it was yours id have no reason to do what im thinking.

four relationships have been ruined today. four. i dont know what im going to do now. where im going to go. havent figured that out yet. im still reeling from the blow. i just didnt think this could have been real. somehow i always knew, all along i knew. i guess i just didnt want to know for sure. 

this may very well be my last post. im not even sure that i will be here tomorrow. i say that not to scare anyone or get attention, but because it is a distinct possibility. this may be the end of me. i honestly dont know.

im eighteen. i may go get myself into therapy or something tonight. i dont know. im just kind of dazed right now. i dont know where to go. i dont know if i want help. i dont think so. i think i want to fade. i really dont see any way out of this one. everyone has decided what i am. a liar. a fake. a drama queen. so that means no one knows me. thats not who i am anymore. yeah thats who i used to be. but its not who i am. im done. i think im done. theres no way out.